Kathy's Vamp Humor
Valek walked.  Or, to be more accurate,he stalked.  Nothing in paticular, just an aimless search for a unwilling victim tonight.  Just like evry other night.But it was different now. He was tired of the usual "pounce and scream routine". Tired of the constant look of terror on his victims' faces that gradually changed into one of blind stupidity. Tired-just tired of the same old same old.
On his his usual midnight prowl, he passed through the seedier parts of town; the bars, dance clubs, the buildings housing raves.  His coloring and clothing often passed unnoticed in these parts of towns.  The people who did stop and stare just assumed he was a paticularly menacing goth. More the fools they. At times his look was even a plus.  Girls, for some reason unknown to him were drawn like flies.  It was only last week he had been forced to hide in a men's room in order to hide from some over zealous groupie (gropie).  He had rather enjoyed that experience.

This time, however, it was different.  The gyrating bodies and heavy music were old.  The drunks who vomited in his proximity (he'd had to kill more than one lush woh'd ruined the shine on his boots) also had lost their appeal.  So this time, he cruised out of his usual territory and into a more suburban area.  Who knew?  There could be some especially toothsome young thing to brighten his night.

After two hours of the suburban scene, he was once again bored.  This being his first time in this paticular town to windowshop in havens of domesticity, he didn't know where anything was.  All he could see were a few doughnut shops and of course, the ever present 24 hour wal-mart open.
Wal-Mart. He thought over the unexpected idea.  Picturing fleeing sales clerks tripping over smiley faces (and yes vampires DO watch tv.  what else do you think they have to do during the day? aerobics?) WAS an amusing thought.  Besides, hunger pangs were starting to emenates from the nearby vincinity of his stomach.

Slowly and with an animal like grace, he sauntered into the WAl-Mart.  At this time of night there were still some people, but most seemed to be night shifts getting on or off their work.  Not very promising prospects for fun.  Bored, he continued his quest through the isles.Nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  Not unless you counted the crusty old guy in overalls, hovering near the sealed gun display racks and muttering things that sounded suspiciously like "damned big brother", and Valek hadn't been that desperate in years.Centuries actually. Well, never.
Disgusted,he made his way towards the exit.This jaunt had been a total waste of time.He might as well have stayed in the club scene and vamped on some poor goth chicke.The black mood he was in readable for anyone to see, as the few who did showed by jumping out of his path.He was almost out of the automatic doors when a annoying noise caught his attention.
A narrow faced, sour expressioned woman was speaking on the phone.  Even from this distance he could hear her say "Yeah right." He turned to leave again but once more her voice caught and dragged his attention back. Inexplicably angered by this "noise".  He decided to shed caution and take out a little frustration.
Silently, he slid behind the harridan and contemplated which part of her neck he would bite-or break, he really couldn't decide.She continued her nasal squawking unaware of his presence.  "I'm sure you are sick", she griped at the employee.Valek raised one elegant hand in readiness.  With one strike he would end her obnoxious existence and sate his appetite as well.  Then he stopped.Over the phone, tinny as it was, he heard the most alluring voice in three hundred years.Even the slight roughness indicitive of sickness made it all the more....tantalizing.The soft lilt to it as the person, no woman, explained her position filled his ears."But I've got his cold you see..."
Without seeing her he could imagine what she looked like.  The dark hair.. the eyes.....  Valek smiled as he realized he'd found what he'd been looking for the whole night.Excitement.
He waited until the crone hung up the phone with a "hmph" of derision. "Sick my ass," she muttered. "I'll bet that little tramp is-" Her words were cut off by Valek's long fingered hand around her throat. He leaned foward and hissed into her ear.  "Call her back," he whispered softly.  The woman "meeped" and hesitated.  "What do I say," she asked.  Total obedience was understood.  Without ever seeing the threat she knew her life depended on pleasing him-or it as far as she knew.
"I want you to tell her to come in.  Say its an emergency, say she'll be fired, say anything, so long as it gets her HERE."  With the emphasis in the last word she jumped and hit the numbers.Within a few moments it was done.Valek could hear the confusion on the lovely woman's voice but he also heard aquiesance.She, afraid of losing her job, would come-to him that is. Smiling at the pleasant thought, he once again contemplated the hag in front of him.  She hadn't turned around and he didn't want her too.Sure, she was responsible for the meeting of a hottie, but still, she had trifled with something he considered HIS.  Retribution was due.  His grin grew even wider as he formulated a plan.

Two weeks later Mel was looking into the gold rimmed mirror of her vanity.  She ran her long fingernails doewn the side of her white satiny skin.  It was perfect.  But still, certain proprieties had to be observed.  Smiling at the reflection of her silver eyed loved on lounging in an intricatly carved chair, she raised a hand and motioned for her servant.A bent over woman, cringing and cowing brought a little box of rice powder and a silken puff for applying it. She bent over, not daring to look her mistress in the face, and lifted the silvered tray.
Mellissa took it gracefully and when finished placed the puff back by the little box. It settled with a little "whoosh" and a fine sprinkling of powder covered the slivered surface. As the crone lowered the tray again,she though bitterly of her plight. She stared for a moment into her image reflected by the tray. Even with the covering of powder, she could still see herself.  She would always see this face until she died; twisted in pain and humiliation, the lips of her mouth sewn shut.

                Vampires 101

The small classroom stood empty, the chalkboard dusty with the residue of the last class, the chairs slightly disorganized as if people had shuffled out in a hurry.  The silence, however, was broken as the door opened and some people tramped (loudly) in.  The newcomers to the room, looked around and sneered a bit as if they were too good for the modest place.  Shuffling around the room, they examined the chalky erasers, the stapler, on the desk, and upturned several chairs.  Their antics were cut short as another person entered the room.  A tall imposing figure, he was dressed in black from head to toe, had deathly pale white skin, luxurious raven hair, and a full length coat to die for.

Clearing his throat, he addressed the class. "Sit down," he said glaring at each individual in turn.  They obeyed.  Making their way to their desks, some flouncing on their way. they gingerly lowered themselves into the seats with a sniff.  The man in black turned towards the chalkboard and wrote his name out in a stylistic scrawl.  Jan Valek it spelled out.  "Now as you can see," he begin, turning towards the students.  "My name is Jan Valek.  YOU will call me Mr. Valek or sir.  Is that understood?"  They nodded.  "Now,  as this is the beginning of this course I want everyone to introduce themselves."  The first person rose with a flourish and opened his mouth in a regal manner. "Briefly," Valek said, cutting him short.

The rather fancily dressed man sniffed yet again and brushed his long blonde hair away from his face.  "My name is the Vampire Lestat," he said, stopping to glance around and gauge the reaction of his classmates.  Seeing only indifference he continued.  "I am over two hundred years old and have drunk the blood of-....."  "Get on with it will you," a heckler called from the farthest back seat.  Lestat glared and adjusted the eye patch over his face.  "I'll have you know-"  "Hey chum," the same person interrupted.  "What's with the eye patch?  The pirate look went out in the eighties-aaaaargh!"

The man's needling had been cut short by Lestat jumping over a desk and strangling him.  "Shut up about the stupid eye patch," he muttered.  "its bad enough my eyeball pops out without you...." "Mr. Lestat", Valek begin in a deadly serious voice.  "I suggest you take your hands of his neck and SHUT UP so the others can introduce themselves." Lestat looked around as if realizing he had company and sheepishly released the other man.  They both resettled in their seats, Lestat arranging the lace on his sleeves, the other muttering things which sounded suspiciously like "bleedin fairy."  The next in line rose with an imperious gesture and drew his red silk lined black cape around him.  "I am Count Dracula, also known as Vlad Tepes,  noble ruler of the carpath-"

"Next," Valek intoned.  Dracula took his seat with a glare and the next stood up.  He was undoubtedly the ugliest of the group.  Bald, pasty skin,  contorted features, and a serious overbite, he also smelled suspiciously like the sewers.  When he rose, a wave of stench rolled over the classroom. Lestat turned a  nasty shade of green and the other's eyes crossed in a serious attempt to stay conscious.  "Nosferatu," he stated simply and sat back down, cackling at the expression on the faces of those around him.

"Mr. Nosferatu," please be sure to BATHE next time you attend class.  "We are here to learn about improving our hunting skills, not how to warn our victims a mile away."  The bald vampire looked offended but remained silent as the next arose.  This time it was the youngish man from the back who Lestat had been strangling.  "Yeah," he begin.  "Well my name's Spike. I-um, never mind."  He plopped back down and leaned back in the chair, running his hands through his short, spiked, peroxide
blonde hair.

"Spike?" Valek said, raising one elegant eyebrow.  "Yeah," he replied belligerently.  "You blokes want to make something of it?"  There was no answer to this challenge, only a sound like someone trying not to laugh.   Spike threw a dirty look over to Lestat, who shoulders were shaking in suppressed mirth.  "Frog."  Lestat stopped laughing and vaulted over the chair again.  This time he was ready, though, and both tumbled to the floor in a flurry of fists and arms.  The fight ended as Spike pushed and pulled  Lestat into a painful looking wrestling hold.  "Give up yet,  ya bloody wanker," he asked. "No one can withstand my Stone Cold death grip!"

"I yield," he answered through gritted teeth.  "Good," Spike said.  "I'd have hated to mess your pretty face up for your boyfriend."   Both combatants rose and sat down again, Spike smirking, Lestat pouting and rubbing a sore arm.

"Are you through," Valek asked in a deadpan tone of voice.  They nodded obediently.  "Our last student will then now introduce herself."  Valek's voice was totally different as the next student rose.  It was a beautiful young woman, whose red hair and mouth coupled with huge green eyes in her alabaster skin drew looks of admiration from the guys.

"My name," she begin in a breathless French accent, "is Camilla.  You are very excited to be in this class too, oui?"  The male vampires nodded enthusiastically in agreement.  Lestat and Spike nudged each other in the sides with knowing grins, Count Dracula stared enigmatically at her behind a manicured hand (well tried to any ways, he really looked like a dork), and Mr. Nosferatu leered and attempted to scoot his desk closer (he was stopped by matching glares from both Valek and Camilla).  Camilla settled in her seat as if it was a lounging divan, the rustle of taffeta and chiffon accompanying her descent.  As opposed to the bald guy, waves of intoxicating perfume filled the room with her rise and fall and the males tongues promptly begin to hang out of their mouths.

"Ahem," Valek cleared his throat again.  "Our first lesson will be over the basics.  We will begin with the technique of sucking blood."  Looking around the room as if realizing something, he sighed.  "Damn, he muttered.  "Forgot about this part.  Would any of you like to volunteer to be the victim-not you Mr. Nosferatu," he said cutting the smelly vamp's raised hand off.  All eyes turned hopefully towards the French woman.  However, she was having none of it and delicately looked away with a toss of her curled locks.

"Okay, then," he continued.  "I guess I'll have to pick a volunteer from the rest of the student body."  Valek exited the room for a minute and the classroom filled with the curious hum of student voices.  In less than thirty seconds he returned, toting a young attractive woman with him.  She gazed adoringly up at him with eyes the size of saucers.  Gently he laid her down on top of his desk and faced the class."Now," who will be the first to tell me how you should make this delightful child your victim?  Lestat?"

"Well," the blonde vampire said. "I'd hold a concert with my former band, and she'd be so impressed with my thighs that..." the class groaned in unison. "Hey," he protested.  "I could also stun her with my good looks and clothes....." his voice faded out under the glare of the teacher.  "Well it worked in my books," he muttered while sitting down.

"Spike?"  Spike rose and with a strut to his words (with him this IS possible) begin. "I don't bother with that faggoty stuff like Lenny over here-enter Lestat's look of death-I 1) rip their throats out 2) stick them with numerous railroad spikes, or 3) turn them over to my girlfriend Dru."  He sat down confidently and waited for the accolades.

"You sure are whipped, giving your victims over to your girlfriend." were the first words out of Valeks mouth.  Spike opened his mouth to protest this judgement but thought better of it and stayed silent. "Now, Count, how would you Take this human?"

"I would turn myself into a green mist and enter her bedroom.  Once there, I would revert to my wolf form and........"   "Man, all that time in backwards Transylvania really has screwed with your techniques," interrupted Nosferatu.  "What you need to do is get yourself a nice sewage tunnel then scurry out and carr her....."  Dracula looked upon the grotesque vampire with horrified fascination.  So engrossed were the two, they did not notice Spike forming an "L" with two fingers while mouthing the word "loser" behind their backs.

"If The Count and Mr. Sewer are finished, I'd like the lovely Camilla to explain to us her methods."  At the compliment, she smiled prettily and fluttered her eyelids.

"Well, monsuiers," she begin walking over to the prone girl.  "I would get myself invited to this sweet young things chateau.  Then after working my way into her affections.  I would begin the seduction." At these words all the male leaned forward.  "Entering her boudoir at night wearing a filmy gown, I would touch her cheek like so." She stopped and caressed the girl's face. "Then," she begin. "I would..." The vampires leaned forward to hear her next words.  Dracula, in his eagerness, fell out of his chair.  At the sound of his crash, Camilla stopped and looked around.  Tittering at the look on their faces she continued. "Ah, but that is a private matter between ladies, non?  To be sure you men are experienced and do not need to hear the sordid details."  She sat down.

For a moment everyone stood frozen, a look of horror slowly dawning over their faces as they realized she had stopped for good.  Turning, they glared at the Count, who was struggling to free his cloak from a chair, and Lestat surreptiously managed to kick him in the side.

"Well, that was certainly...educational," valek said in a rather strangled voice.  "But the method I was thinking of was discussed my none of you." He stopped and glanced at Camilla as if wondering.  "This technique is a classic I have perfected over many centuries of practice.  I call it the  "insanguination by means of the upper leg", or in lay men's terms. "the thigh maneuver."

Valek turned and hovered over the girl.  There are three basic steps to this maneuver. The first, which is the element of surprise, will not be demonstrated in today's class for lack of space and time. The second element is the elegant biting of the thigh.  The third is the clever comment or question which sears the event into the victim's mind forever, while making a memorable ending to a pleasant experience.  Observe."  He loomed over the girl and begin making his way down to her legs.

Suddenly the bell rang.  "Dammit," he said.  "We'll have to continue this demonstration next time in class," he said over the sound of the student's standing. "We don't have time to finish today as I was informed we must evacuate the room by 9:30 for an asbestos check."  The vampires gathered their belongings, which consisted of NO books, and shuffled out the door.  Spike's voice could be heared over the din saying, "Camilla, babe.  You busy tonight....."   Valek, surveying the empty room sighed  Regretfully looking at the exposed thighs he patted the girl's hand and helped her up, watching her as she unsteadily tottered out the room.  Gathering his briefcase, the only article he carried,  he erased his name and left the room,  making sure to turn the lights off before he left (just because you're an undead fiend doesn't mean you can't be  conscious, you know).

Once again the room stood empty.

The emptiness, however, was disrupted as a people once again entered the room.  A pretty, petite, blonde girl, a big black man with a sword holstered on his back,  and a short proffesor looking dude with outdated clothes all took their seats and waited.  A few minutes later a man entered.  A lean weathered face shadowed by  cool shades surveyed the room. Without a word he turned and wrote his name on the board.  "Jack Crow."

"This is the Slaying 101," he said. "You will call me Mr. Crow or Sir.  Any questions?"